Google has finally revealed the patented secret behind the famed speed and accuracy of its search technology: trained pigeons.  "Building upon the breakthrough work of B. F. Skinner," the company explained in a press release today, "[Google founders] Page and Brin reasoned that low cost pigeon clusters (PCs) could be used to compute the relative value of web pages faster than human editors or machine-based algorithms."  Anticipating criticism from animal rights groups, Google insists it exceeds all international standards for the treatment of its avian workforce.

In a shocking development, the formerly Netscape-owned Open Directory Project ("ODP") has been renamed the Gates Open Directory ("GOD") in honor of its new CEO, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates.

Speaking of the world's largest software company, it was also announced today that down-on-its-luck Napster.com will purchase Microsoft outright, then sue itself immediately for copyright infringement. Napster executives hope the strategy will finally allow the company to win a court case — any court case.

In another corporate rechristening, Burger King renamed itself "Chicken King" for a day to promote its new chicken breast filet sandwich.

Coordinating with other world leaders, President G.W. Bush proclaimed April 1 the first annual International Free Lunch Day. The economy-stimulating idea was allegedly conceived by Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan, not widely regarded as a believer in free lunches.

Citing continuing security concerns and noting that a dictatorship "would be a heck of a lot easier," Bush also announced today that the 2004 presidential election has been canceled. Former Vice President Al Gore could no be resuscitated for comment.

Brits everywhere are howling for Puppy Bowling — said to be the hottest new sport in England. According to the Bowlarama Centre of Worcestershire ("the great town that Americans can't pronounce properly"), the uniquely British sport is a modern variation on the nation's oldest dog throwing competitions.

New York's 17th Annual April Fool's Day Parade will feature an Osama bin Laden lookalike driving a Yellow Cab and a special "God's on My Side" float with Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell squaring off against Yasser Arafat and Saddam Hussein. In a press release, parade organizer Joey Skaggs also said land mines would be planted along the parade route "to add to the excitement and suspense."  Tens of thousands are expected not to attend.