|'Hurricane Rules' by George Carlin|
|Netlore Archive: A sarcastic rant purportedly authored by comedian George Carlin (or New Orleans musician Bill Boudreux, depending on version) outlining 'rules' for coping in the aftermath of a hurricane|
Email example contributed by an AOL user, 2 October 2005:
Subject: George Carlin on New Orleans
Been sitting here with my ass in a wad, wanting to speak out about the bullshit going on in New Orleans. For the people of New Orleans... First we would like to say, Sorry for your loss. With that said, Lets go through a few hurricane rules: (Unlike an earthquake, we know it's coming)
#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that..Get the hell out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out... if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.)
#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the Government's fault you're starving.
#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them alone.)
#2b. If the local store has been looted of food or water, leave your neighbor's TV and stereo alone. (See # 2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a mandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take their stuff...it's theirs, not yours.
#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then complain no one is helping you. I'm not getting shot to help save some dumb ass who didn't leave when told to do so.
#4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your belongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want them, let them have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave!
(It's New Orleans, find a voodoo warrior and put a curse on them)
#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn't build your house on quicksand would you? You want to live below sea-level, do your country some good and join the Navy.
#6. Regardless of what the Poverty Pimps Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton want you to believe, The US Government didn't create the Hurricane as a way to eradicate the black people of New Orleans; (Neither did Russia as a way to destroy America). The US Government didn't cause global warming that caused the hurricane (We've been coming out of an ice age for over a million years).
#7. The government isn't responsible for giving you anything. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for what you want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring, get a damn job and stop spooning off the people who are actually working for a living. President Kennedy said it best..."Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."
Thank you for allowing me to rant.
Comments: This text has been attributed to both George Carlin and New Orleans musician Bill Boudreux, but I'm 99.99% sure neither of them wrote it. The earliest Internet postings of the text were anonymous. Boudreux's name was appended to a variant found circulating in late September 2005. The version supposedly authored by George Carlin appeared around the beginning of October.
Anonymous rants are often falsely attributed to celebrities, probably because it bolsters the texts' credibility. This has happened to Carlin several times.
"Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it came from one of my albums, books, HBO shows, or appeared on my Web site," Carlin has written. "I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this 'humor' on the Internet is just plain stupid."
Case in point: the text above.
I Am a Bad American
Falsely attributed to George Carlin
Falsely attributed to George Carlin, Andy Rooney, and others
Robin Williams' Plan for Peace
NOT written by comedian Robin Williams
Last updated: 10/07/05