I Am a Bad American
Netlore Archive: Anti-PC screed allegedly written by George Carlin, Ted Nugent, Andy Rooney, Denis Leary, and who knows who else.
Description: Email hoax
Circulating since: Sep. 2000
Status: Falsely attributed to celebrities
Email text contributed by Paul T., May 16, 2001:
Subject: Bad American by George Carlin
Well....make your own judgment!
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.
I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets.
I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back!
Analysis: As of this writing (mid-2003), versions of this paean to political incorrectness have been floating around for three years, falsely attributed to George Carlin, Ted Nugent, Andy Rooney, Denis Leary, and others. Carlin disavowed it on his website. A version ran in Ted Nugent's Adventure Outdoors Magazine in early 2001, but the politically outspoken rock-and-roller took no credit for it, and other versions had already appeared elsewhere on the Internet.
More than one person has laid claim to authorship of the piece, the likeliest candidate to date being a frequent contributor to FreeRepublic.com under the nickname "Bootyist Monk." The earliest known posting of the text, entitled "I Am a Bad Republican," was dated September 1, 2000.
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Ted Nugent Version
Circulating via email since Sep. 2001
Andy Rooney Version
Circulating via email since Feb. 2003
I Am a Bad American
Begins with: "I like big cars, big guns, and big tits..."
Last updated: 05/12/03