Killer Biscuits Wanted for Attempted Murder
By David Emery
Netlore Archive: A woman who has just bought groceries hears a loud POP from the back seat of her car, then feels something warm and sticky oozing down the back of her neck. 'Oh, my God,' she thinks. 'I've been shot!'
Description: Urban legend
Circulating since: Late 1990s (this version)
Status: False (see analysis)
As posted via Twitter, March 28, 2013:
Forwarded email contributed by Michelle S., Feb. 27, 1999:
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Comments: Despite the attribution at the top, no such story was ever published by the Associated Press. Versions have circulated on and off the Internet since 1995. See "Biscuits for Brains" for a word-of-mouth variant and full analysis.