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Peanut Butter Surprise |
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An urban legend
As told by E. Amberg...
I heard this one from three friends who all swore they read it in a
Detroit newspaper a few years ago (around 1994)...
A Detroit woman lived alone with her collie. On her 30th birthday, some
of her friends snuck into her house to throw her a surprise party when
she came home from work. They all hid in the basement and kept the
collie downstairs with them.
They heard the woman come home and move around the house a bit. Then
she called for her dog, and the collie began to bark from the basement.
The friends opened the basement door, but THEY got the surprise: the
woman was naked, and covered in peanut butter! (One part of her anatomy
was particularly peanut-buttered, at least according to my vulgar
friend.)
That night, the woman shot herself, unable to live with the
embarrassment. Her suicide, my friend says, is why the story made it
into the newspaper.
As told by M. Smith...
This "really happened" to my cousin's real estate agent...
See, Tim worked during the day and Kim worked at night. They would get lonely without anyone else around and
decided to get a dog. Tim loved that dog (Molson) and would take him out to the park to run, to go hunting with him,
etc... He even snuck Molson peanut butter (the dog's favorite) despite Kim's objections. But the dog just plain
liked Kim better, which really pissed Tim off.
Anyway, this one day, as per usual, Tim put Molson in the basement before he left for work so he wouldn't destroy
the house before Kim got home from her day. He ran out the door, then remembered that he had promised his buddy at
work that he would let him borrow his golf clubs for the weekend. So, Tim went back into the house and edged into
the basement to retrieve his clubs and shut the door behind him so Molson wouldn't bolt.
While he was getting his
clubs, he heard his wife open the door and call out to him, "Baby, you down there? I missed you!"
He was just
about to answer when Molson leaped up and nearly knocked him over. When he got back on his feet and looked up
the basement stairs, he found, to his horror, his wife at the top of the stairs buck naked with peanut butter smeared
all over her crotch.
Tim filed for divorce. He's a really nice guy. You should meet him.
As told by K. Smart...
This has supposedly happened to a woman in just about every large company that
everyone I know works in...
A woman's coworkers decided to surprise her on her birthday with a
party. One of her close friends had the keys to the woman's house, and so was
able to get everything arranged while the woman was at work. It was even
arranged that she be given extra duties, making her stay late and thus giving
her coworkers a chance to get to her house. The woman's rottweiler had no problem
with this, 1) already knowing the organizer of the party, and 2) being very
well-trained.
Sexual Embarrassments
Often the only difference between an urban legend and a dirty joke is that the urban legend is told as if true. "Peanut Butter Surprise" — usually told with great conviction — is a shining example of a joke-turned-legend.
Folklorists first took note of the tale in 1994, but variants have been reported dating back to the 1980s. Though more perverse than most, it fits handily into the category of "caught in the act" tales such as the classic "Nude Surprise Party."
Further reading:
The Lap Dog
- Urban Legends Reference Pages
Sex & Romance Legends
- Indiscretions, embarrassments
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Everyone hid in the basement awaiting the guest of honor's arrival. They
kept the dog down there, too, and fed him some peanut butter (which he adored)
so that he would be quiet and not give the surprise away in his excitement
at having so many people in the house.
The woman arrives home from work and heads to the bathroom for a quick
shower after a hard day. The people in the basement can hear her padding
around upstairs — the bathroom, the hallway, the kitchen. Then they hear
her calling, "Max! Max! C'mere, boy." She opens the basement door, and
turns on the light, calling, "Max!"
She is absolutely naked, wearing only the peanut butter she has smeared over
her privates.
As told by G. Maffet...
I've heard dozens of variations of this one , always about "this girl that works with some guy I met who was really there..."
This single chick comes home from work one night and walks into her kitchen. After a few minutes of opening cabinet doors
and preparing something in the kitchen, she calls for her dog, Sparky.
"Here boy! Come here, Sparky!" she calls.
Unfortunately, old Sparky doesn't seem to respond to her. She realizes that sometimes the old canine likes to fall asleep in her
berdroom, and so she opens the bedroom door while continuing her high-pitched "Here, Sparky! Come see what Mama's got
for her little poochie!"
When the door opens, a group of her friends shout "Surprise! Happy Birthday!" Their faces drop when they see that the guest of honor is totally naked with peanut butter covering her crotch.
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